I want connection: Curiosity-driven skillful relating which communicates curiosity and results in a particular feeling

I. Defining connection

I seek connection but I don't know what it is and I want to. At a meditation retreat this summer, I attended a series of classes or workshops about "spacious connection." I've attended other similar courses with this group before. I've read a lot about social skills and active listening and all other kinds of things in that space. All that sounds like seeking connection to me. It would sure help to specify more clearly what it is that I want, so I am going to try to do that.

When I say I want connection, I'm thinking primarily of one-on-one connection, and I think I want more interactions where both of us:

1. find and feel curiosity for the other person,
2. allow curiosity to drive relating to that person well,
3. communicating such curiosity clearly to that person,
4. resulting in a feeling that arises from such curiosity-driven skillful relating.

When all of these aspects appear in an interaction, that's connection. It requires curiosity, it requires skillful interaction driven by curiosity, that clearly communicates curiosity, and it requires the feeling that arises from such action.

The kind of interaction I want is one where both parties embody all these aspects, creating mutual connection.

II. How we get there

I wish I had a clearer understanding of how to get to connection. The part I can act on most directly is making sure that I'm taking care of these aspects for my part of the conversation. Some methods I have used for finding my curiosity and acting from it include:

1. To find and feel curiosity for other people:
   1. Sometimes, I pick a person I'm attracted to (romantically/sexually or platonically; usually romantically) and write down three questions I could ask this person. Some prompts:
      1. Think of something they said. What follow-up questions could I ask? What conclusions might I draw from what I know and how could that inspire new questions to ask? For example:
         1. You said it's a long story how you ended up living in Kentucky; I'd be curious to hear more about the story. You said you lived in Kentucky for a few years a long time ago — tell me more about that?
         2. Or: You said you preferred the pace of life here — you also mentioned getting betrayed for career advances — if I had to guess, basically you found the culture really valued people in terms of how quickly they are "moving up" in their career? And that was not a life you wanted to live, getting bitten by others' frenzied ambitions and being judged according to their career pace standards. You wanted time and space to enjoy life. Does that sound right?
         3. Or: When I asked about your holiday plans, you said you were going to visit family, "back to Missoula," you sounded kind of apprehensive about it. Let me guess: You dread returning to the boring small town you grew up in. You have a complicated relationship with your family. So, if I got that right, tell me more: Why are you going back? Who are you going back for?
      2. Think of the negative space — what I don't know about this person. For example:
         1. Tell me more about your family.
         2. I bet you're an only child.
            1. This is framed as a statement, but the intention is more like a dual invitation: First, to answer "Do you have siblings?" and second, for them to ask why I thought they're an only child, if they're so curious. I think this statement is more fun and invites more possibilities than the direct question.
         3. You grew up in the Bay Area. Tell me more about that, what was that like?
         4. What surprised you most about Kentucky/Ohio when you came here from out west?
   2. Try and bring curiosity into interactions intentionally.
      1. Ignoring conversation or particular people for a minute: Notice what subjects you are naturally curious about. Find the attitude as felt in the texture of that experience of curiosity.
      2. See what it's like to bring that attitude to people that wouldn't normally invoke a similar response.
      3. See what you can find in circumstances that evokes delight, interest, and curiosity.
      4. Small details can be a great place to focus. For example:
         1. This lady's eyebrows, there's something unusual about them but I can't quite put my finger on what it is, I am curious to know what's going on there.
         2. This lady's wearing a necklace and she keeps playing with it, I want to know about the necklace.
2. To allow curiosity to drive relating to that person well:
   1. Envisioning possible outcomes, good and bad, and sitting with each such until I'm at peace with it, and repeating until I feel like I'm at peace with whatever might happen.
      1. I tried this once and it worked pretty well. Your mileage may vary.

I'd love to learn, hear about, or discover other methods for arousing or acting from curiosity. If I run into more useful methods I may write additional posts about them and edit links in here.

III. Obstacles to finding curiosity

The really tricky part of finding and feeling curiosity (aspect (1) in (I) above) is that in some cases I find I resist it. I avoid looking for curiosity or applying any method that might surface it, because I want any curiosity I feel about this person to go ignored and unfelt. Reflecting on this, this seems to happen when:

1. I feel like my curiosity won't be appreciated.
   1. Say: I suspect the other person wants to keep me at a distance (right now, or in this context).
   2. Or: I suspect the other person's in a bad mood and won't appreciate the questions.
   3. Wondering: Is it functional to suppress (noticing or acting on) my curiosity in these cases?
2. I want that person to be curious about me, and I feel like my curiosity won't be returned.
   1. Special case: I feel misunderstood, or simplified/shortchanged, and wish they'd put more effort in.
      1. I may be doing the same, but resent "being made" to make the first move toward a better way of relating. Is this functional? Asking for a friend.
   2. I seem to feel that wanting someone's interest makes me a loser, especially if I "try to get it" and fail.
      1. "Try to get it" includes any action that risks arousing their interest.
   3. Reflecting on this point, I think I've got it confused.
      1. Feeling curiosity for someone doesn't make me a loser.
      2. Wanting someone's curiosity doesn't make me a loser, even if I don't expect to get it.
      3. It's ignoring or holding back from acting on my curiosity and my desire for their curiosity that's problematic, not the curiosity or the desire itself.
         1. Feeling curious about someone is fine.
         2. So is wanting them to get curious about me.
         3. Suppressing those feelings/actions is only problematic insofar as it comes from believing I'd have to be unhappy if I pursued those interests and didn't get what I wanted.

For me right now, reason 2 seems overwhelmingly responsible for persistent resistance. Reflecting on the people who I am most incurious toward and most hesitant to find curiosity about, my feelings are clear: It's largely because I wish they were more curious about me and I don't expect showing them curiosity to move me in that direction. I might benefit from finding and acting on my curiosity for those people despite expecting I won't get what I want from them.

I found reflecting on these obstacles useful. If the possibilities of this post seemed attractive, you may find it useful to reflect on your own obstacles to finding or acting on curiosity.