Discovering one can be happy with all outcomes enables free (non)action
On a flight recently, I found myself talking to the passenger next to me. It took me a while to initiate; I wanted to speak up and had plenty of opportunity, but something held me back. But I did end up talking to him, and I found a particular approach helped with my experience in the moment — I not only felt better about the situation, I went ahead and talked to the guy.
I noticed I had two options with two possible bad outcomes:
- Say something to him. Bad outcome: An awkward interaction, turns out he doesn't want to talk.
- Keep quiet the whole flight. Bad outcome: I stew on it, continue to make excuses, get restless. I try to pretend I don't want what I do want. I feel spineless.
The approach I used was this: For each of the two "bad" outcomes in turn, I envisioned that outcome, noticed I felt unhappy about it, and applied the option method. Envisioning helped me connect with the possibility and feel the expected feelings and associated unhappiness. Through the option method, I remembered I didn't need to be unhappy about the outcome, and remembering that, I could relax. I could be happy with either outcome.
To act freely, I needed to feel happy with either outcome: Acting or holding back, awkwardness or silence. Applying the above approach helped me get there. Once I did, the action came out quite naturally.
This approach might be worth applying again when I run into another situation where I hesitate to go after what I want.